Mommy Guilt

By Tracy S, Charlotte Smarty Pants

It is Thursday and I am sitting on a plane headed home from a work trip as I type this post. I’ve been gone since Tuesday and I’m so anxious to see my family. The morning before I left, Jake sat in the bathroom with me while I got ready and told me how much he was going to “miss all the cuddling that we do” and that he would “make sure Daddy didn’t get Ryanne’s ears pierced while I was gone!” (Matt was totally joking about it a few days earlier when I said she wasn’t allowed to get her ears pierced until she was at least 5 .. she’s only 1-1/2 now!). So sweet but made me miss him terribly before I even left! When I called home Tuesday night, I found out that Ryanne was running a slight fever and was sent home early from daycare … and had to remain out on Wednesday. Matt had a big meeting on Wednesday he would have to miss. While there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, the guilt of being gone immediately set in. Matt, of course, was super supportive and laughed it off as Murphy’s Law.

I’ve been a working mom since my son was only 3 months old. While it has constantly been a balancing act (as so many things we moms juggle are), I’ve never regretted my choice to work full time and raise a family. But lately, I have been struggling more and more with finding the right balance. I think a lot of it started when Jake started Kindergarten this fall. Because of his school hours, he has to go to the Before and After School programs. For the first time, he felt “different” than his friends. “Mommy, why can’t I be a bus rider or car rider like all of my friends? Why do I have to stay and go to After School?” It absolutely broke my heart to have to say “because mommy has to work.”

Now – I know what many of you are going to say – that I have a choice … that if I really wanted to stay at home, I could find a way to make it work. You’re right – I do have a choice. I want to provide things to my children that I was not afforded growing up. To quit my job would mean a significant sacrifice for my entire family … and I don’t think that’s fair either. And for the most part, I enjoy my job and I am afforded a great deal of flexibility to work from home when I need to or to take off in the middle of the day to volunteer at the kids’ schools. Not to mention the benefits my company offers for myself and my kids that we would not have available through my husband’s job. And for many women, they do not have a choice, for whatever reason, so please don’t judge or “bash” those of us that work vs stay home with our children. It is a personal choice and one that should be respected – this post is not meant to be a debate on WM vs SAHM and who has it harder. I have SAHM friends who struggle with it as well and I completely respect the amount of work that goes into staying at home with your children. We all have it, so PLEASE don’t even go there!

Which I guess brings me to my point. Mommy guilt. It is hard being a mom no matter what. I am sure I speak for every single one of you reading this when I say our mission in life is to love, care for, provide for, and make everything all right for our precious little children. We try to make the best decisions along the way – some easier than others – in the hopes that our children look back one day and cherish their childhood and think “Wow, my mom was the best mom she could be!” Mommy guilt can range from spending time away from your kids, getting frustrated with them, to not wanting to play one more game of "find the dinosaur" or turning on the TV so you can get some stuff done. I found this article that I thought I would share: Kiss Mommy Guilt Goodbye. It gives some good perspective on some common guilt traps and reminders on how to give ourselves a break.

I often think a lot of the guilt I feel is completely self imposed. Matt reminds me all the time to “not worry about it” - what ever the “it” is at the time. So maybe its time we all take a moment and pat ourselves on the back for all the things we do RIGHT!

So tonight, as soon as my plane landed, I went straight to pick my kids up from school, picked up a special dinner and spent the whole night cuddling up with them talking about all the fun stuff they did with Daddy when I was gone. And you know what the very first thing Jake told me? “Mommy, I did NOT let Daddy get Ryanne’s ears pierced!” At that moment, the biggest smile spread across my face, knowing that we have raised such an amazing little boy that will stop at nothing to take care of his little sister and keep Daddy in line when Mom is away! :)

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Happy Easter & The Power of Cream of Mushroom Soup

By Krista W, Charlotte Smarty Pants

Happy Easter! We hope the Easter bunny was good to all our Lil' Smarties out there. As we spend time with family and friends on this beautiful Sunday and reflect on what this day is all about, we wanted to run this touching blog by CSP blogger Krista W to honor the incredible community of moms we surround ourselves with everyday. Every one of you is a blessing! - TSP team

I’ve baked a thousand casseroles in my life but never imagined I would receive a thousand. Yet, on a lovely fall day (the kind you dream about in the summer and practically beg for in winter), my turn in the “casserole circuit” began. On September 30th, my precious daughter (Lily Katherine Wilson) was stillborn at eight months . . .

As I sat in the hospital mourning the loss of our daughter, I wondered how I would ever learn to live again. All the dreams I had for my family seemed to pass with her. I pictured my life without Lily in it and all the lovely moments I would never experience. I would never see Lily dancing in our kitchen in a princess dress, never talk about her heart being broken by a foolish boy, never kiss her skinned knee, or even watch her blow out her first birthday candle. I carried Lily for eight months and knew her every move, but I will never know her eye color.

As I looked at the past and what could have been, an army of women across my home town of Charlotte were looking towards the future and how to care for my family. Cream of mushroom soup was being purchased and family recipes, the ones that are shared for generations and are believed to have true powers, were being pulled out of recipe boxes. Our friends and community starting planning on healing our family, one casserole at a time.

A dear friend and true saint, Lori Martin, organized a meal delivery for us and over the next several weeks our door bell rang, and strangers and friends alike brought us meals. We rejoiced in the love poured into each baking dish. We rejoiced in seeing people at our door to remember our daughter and acknowledge our pain. The “casserole circuit” is amazing and I’m so proud to be a part of it. These women gave me the strength I needed to endure the most painful experience of my life. One thoughtful friend even brought us milk because I feared going to the grocery store and seeing people I would have to explain our loss to. My husband and I learned so much about what it means to be a part of a caring community and to give unconditionally.

I wonder if the women of Charlotte know how amazing they are. Ladies, we could run The White House if only our schedules would allow the time. Will you wonderful women ever fully understand what you gave to my family? Through Tupperware and teary eyes you told us that everything was going to be okay. You taught us that in even the darkest moments, there is light.

Now, when I cook for a family, whether to honor times of joy or sadness, I treasure every turn of the spatula knowing my time matters more than I could have ever imagine. I’ve learned to believe in the miracle of life, the importance of owning good Tupperware, and the healing powers of cream of mushroom soup.

Smarties, don't forget to register for this month's give-away with Whitebox Photography. Just be sure you are a Triad Smarty Pants newsletter subscriber, then click here to enter your name in the giveaway! We will choose a winner through Random.org on April 9, 2010 and will contact you that day!

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Got Multiples?

By Guest Blogger Jennifer Isaman, TCMOM's President

I will never forget the day my husband, my daughter and I went for an ultrasound to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. The Sonographer asked me (in a very calm voice), “How many babies did the doctor say you were having?” Well, being that we had a picture on our refrigerator from a prior ultrasound with just one baby, my answer was “one." I was still oblivious to the fact that she asked that question for a reason. The next words out of her mouth were a blur ... "Well, honey, there are two in there." What? How can that be? We don’t have any multiples in our families and that notion had never crossed my mind! My daughter looked at the Sonographer and asked if we were on Candid Camera. It was a day we will never forget.

The next couple days were a blur and we had sooooo many questions about the journey on which we were getting ready to embark. I had never known anyone with twins so, it was difficult to get answers to the many questions I had. Luckily, I found out that there was a group in town that could help.

The first night I went to a meeting with the Twin City Mother’s of Multiples (TCMOM’s) I realized that I was not the only person in the world having twins. I left that meeting feeling like I had found a place that could offer me the help I was searching for.

TCMOM’s meets the 4th Monday of every month in Winston-Salem. We have many members from all the surrounding areas. The Club has a variety of guest speakers and topics related to Multiples of all ages. We enjoy games, refreshments, and lots of “Mom to Mom” time. We even have a “Question Box” where Moms can write a question anonymously to be discussed with the group. Aside from the monthly meetings we also have Spring/Fall clothing sales, Ladies Night Out, family events/parties, and we are involved with several area charities.

TCMOM’s has gotten me through everything from dealing with preemies, to potty training, to how to survive financially. I have made some lifelong friendships and I feel like I have all the ammunition I need to tackle my crazy life with Twins! Happy 4th Birthday Boys!

For more information on Twin City Mother’s of Multiples go to: www.tcmoms.org

To find a Mothers of Multiples club in your area go to: www.ncmom.org

Today is THE the last day to sign up for the fabulous FREE family portrait session with Andrea Halsey Photography! This promotion ends at Noon today, and the winner will be announced on July 19. You must be a Triad Smarty Pants newsletter subscriber to enter. Just click here to register. Good luck!

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Sleeping Angel

By Guest Blogger, Anna Marie Smith

I remember that day like it was just yesterday. Actually, I remember more from what happened on that day than what I could ever remember happening yesterday. It was a Wednesday and I was pregnant with our first child. I was 40 weeks gestation and anxiously awaiting the birth of our beautiful baby. Every day was a gift...

My husband, Craig and I had waited to have a baby. We had been married five years and I wanted to wait until I had finished graduate school. For years, my family thought that I would never have children. Where I come from, if you are not pregnant by twenty-five, something must be wrong with you.

It was July 7, 1999 and I was overdue by one week. No one was really concerned. This was normal, right? I had felt the baby kick and had told the doctor that he had not been kicking as frequently. I had gone in for a stress test just a few days before and everything was normal. We were good – everything was good. I felt great! Besides having fat feet and a few extra pounds (well, a lot of extra pounds), I could not have felt better. The baby room was stocked and ready to go and we had finished our birthing class. Done. Now ready for baby!

That Wednesday morning was an odd one for me. I recall stepping into the shower and thinking “Wow, I haven’t felt the baby kick in a while." I poked my big, round belly and waited for him to poke me back. It was always fun to get him moving. I am convinced that it was his adorable knee that would always jut out on my right side. It was round, pointed and hard. He didn’t respond. So, I poked him again, using both hands this time. Nothing. “He’s sleeping," I said to myself, “and he’s tired of me interrupting his morning nap." Nervously, I forced my thoughts to go elsewhere. Everything was good – we were all good.

I went to the doctor’s office that morning for my weekly check-up. I was elated. With all my joy and energy, nothing could change my attitude. I was going to be a Mom in just a few short days!!! Today would be the day that we would plan an induction if things weren’t moving along more naturally. I was ready. Whatever we needed to do, I was ready to bring this baby into the world. He was just taking his time and that was ok with me.

The nurse called me back to the sonogram room. I remember the two-piece short set I was wearing. Green stripes, soft, button-down blouse. Brown sandals. Hair pulled up on the sides. It was hot outside, clear sky and sunny. I remember so much of that day. I remember almost every detail…up until it all happened. My life was about to change and I didn’t know it. In just moments, my life would take a different direction and I would be a different person…..

As I write this, my heart gets heavy and my eyes swell with tears. Then, I start crying and stop again. “It’s been almost 10 years already," I say, “When will this stop making my chest hurt deep, deep down?” Sure, I’m much stronger now than I certainly was then, but there are times like these that make me weak again. Weak and longing for the son that I never held. Longing for the son that I never heard cry or yell out, “Mommy look at me. I can swim!”

My story is about a mom who had a stillborn baby. It’s a story that makes people sad because of what happened, but at the same time, it’s an education. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, there are 26,000 babies born still every year. That’s almost hard to believe and yet I hear about women all over the country facing similar experiences. Stillbirth is a topic that doesn’t get much attention and perhaps for good reason. When we hear about pregnancy, it brings joy and hope into our hearts. That’s the way it should always be. Yet, it is estimated that 1 in every 115 births are still in the U.S. (a “stillborn” is generally defined as a baby more than 24 weeks gestation). Unfortunately, the cause for most stillbirths goes unknown. I was no exception. Mac’s autopsy report came back reading “normal baby boy." He was a beautiful baby - 7 ½ pounds and 22 inches long!

Since losing Mac (Douglas McCall Smith) in 1999, I have been actively involved in helping women, their families and friends deal with the tragedy of stillbirth. When I lost Mac, I was beyond devastated. I didn’t know anyone who had had a stillborn and I felt alone and desperate. While I sought counseling and read book after book, nothing seemed to help. Nothing seemed to connect to my story. I needed someone who understood my pain, someone who had walked this same path. For the next few years, I struggled. We went on to get pregnant again and have a daughter, Maddie. We also adopted our daughter, Lily, from China four years later. Having other children certainly helped in my healing, but this was a long journey and I knew that I didn’t want our loss to be in vain. I wanted to help other women. I didn’t want anyone to feel as alone as I once did.

So, over the course of 2+ years, I wrote a book titled, “Sleeping Angel: A True Story of a Mother of a Stillborn Baby” (available on all major book retail websites and through Tate Publishing). While the book goes into detail about what happened to me and the challenges a woman faces with having a stillborn, the book really provides help and guidance to family and friends who too, are hurting and don’t know what to do or say. So often people ask me, “What can I say to her?," “What should I do?” The book provides two lists of “Must-Knows”: one for the parents of the stillborn and one for family and friends. For example, one of the tips from the parent’s list is “Get handprints and/or footprints of your baby." When a mother has just delivered her baby that has died, this may be one of the last things she thinks of. It’s important for her and others around her to focus on what she thinks she will want of her baby after the delivery and long after she’s left the hospital. These are things that she can’t go back and get later and trust me, she’ll want them. Pictures, too, and lots of them.

For death in general, people don’t always know what to say or do. When a baby dies, it’s even more awkward. A tip for family and friends is “Don’t be afraid to mention the baby by name." Moms of stillborns talk to me about how hurtful it is when people aren’t comfortable with talking about the baby. Mentioning the baby by name acknowledges that this baby was real and was loved. The baby was someone very special and deserves to be recognized. You wouldn’t be afraid to mention the name of someone who had lived for years and died, so don’t be afraid to mention the baby by name.

After I lost Mac, I was asked to talk to groups, work teams and friends and women who had lost a baby due to stillbirth. In that, I met and formed relationships with three very special women, all of whom who have had stillborns. Together, we established a local support group for women of stillborn babies. We meet once a month for dinner and provide an open invitation to moms of stillborns. Dinner dates and location information is provided on our website.

Next month will mark Mac’s 10th birthday. Most days, he’s still a baby to me. I do wonder though, when I see him again in Heaven if he’ll be grown or still be the beautiful infant boy I saw back then. Either way, I feel grateful for the days we did spend together and comforted in knowing that I have my own precious angel watching over me.

Don't forget tomorrow is the last day to register for a FREE 1/2 day slot at one of Sawtooth's summer art camps! You must first be a Triad Smarty Pants newsletter subscriber, and then you can click here to register. For more information on this give-away, visit our post about Sawtooth's summer camps. Last day to register for this give-away is Friday, June 12, and the winner will be announced on Monday, June 15. Good luck Smarties!

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