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Monday, January 4, 2010

Things I Learned the Hard Way

By Rachel H

Life is funny. Experiences are funny. They are especially funny when they happen to someone else. Thought I’d let you enjoy some amusement today at my expense by reading things that I learned the hard way. And please share some of your own by commenting at the end!

-If you start to feel queasy, nauseous, or sick prior to getting on a plane … do not get on the plane. The pilot cannot take off when someone is stuck in the bathroom. You may just have to exit the plane with sheer embarrassment so the rest of the passengers can get on their way.
-Piggy backing on the above comment, always check the barf bags on the plane. Did you know that yours may have a hole in the bottom?
-When deciding to cliff dive on your honeymoon, make sure you learn the correct position in which to land. A shot in the rear from a Jamaican doctor is not a honeymoon dream.
-When you get a spider bite on your rear, the doctor does in fact need to see it before prescribing an antibiotic, even if he is your husband’s best friend.

-When your child takes a sippy cup of milk into the car, make sure he always brings it back out with him.
-Don’t try a new recipe when you have your in-laws over for dinner.
-Potato skins do not go in the garbage disposal.
-Male babies can pee in their own mouths quite easily when you are changing their diapers.
-When you have a secret crush on a guy in your class and you doodle his name all over your folder and stare at him and call him on the phone just to hear his voice, it’s really not a secret. He knows. Actually, the whole school probably knows.
-Grandmas can lose their balance and fall on your baby as they try to lean over them while they are playing on the floor.
-A child’s voice is amplified when in a restroom or dressing room.
-When taking any kind of pill, put it straight into your mouth when children are around. Don’t set it next to your glass of water while you run to answer the phone. The black tar they make kids drink at the ER is nasty.
-If you live in the Triad, take your child to Baptist Hospital if you need to go to the ER. We paid for an ambulance to drive us two miles from Forsyth Hospital to Baptist because we did not know any better.
-Check the batteries in all toys before leaving on a trip. Charge the camera as well.
-When a child says they think they might have to throw up … they usually throw up within one second of uttering that statement.
-When a squirrel is trapped inside your house, open all the doors and windows and then sit outside and watch for him to exit. Do not assume he got out the same way he got in. He is probably still in there. And he could possibly sleeping in the room with your youngest child every night.
-When your mom joins Facebook, she finds out way more about you than you had ever intended.
-If you ever pull over on the side of a highway, do not open the door if an 18-wheeler is passing by. Just the force of the wind is enough to blast your door into the hood of the car. (It especially helps if you do not do this in the rain.)
-There are no places to stop to use the bathroom on a large stretch of I-40 East after you pass over I-77.
-If you ever go to a NASCAR race, let it be known that people on the infield often rent their own personal port-o-potty and are not too happy when you decide to use it.
-Never assume that a younger girl with an older man is his daughter. It could very well be his date.

Hope you enjoyed these. And yes, oh yes, they did all happen to me! Now come on, get some guts and share your own …


maythi said...

Rachel, these are great. AND just reminded me our youngest left 2 cups of milk in the car after our long traveling weekend. Those are going to be fun to clean today. And I can't wait for the smell in the car. Better be prepared with a hole-less barf bag :)

Lisa@Pickles and Cheese said...'s lessons. Your list is great! Most of it Very funny! The rest...good to know!

Jen P. said...

Girl, you crack me up! LOVE it!!

Erin said...

Oh my word, hilarious. Some of these I've learned too. Question: Why do you have to take your kid to Baptist instead of Forsyth?

I've learned that if you think you can hold it until you get home, think again. Go to the bathroom before going anywhere, especially after having a baby!

Beth said...

Did you really have a squirrel in your house and sleeping your daughter's room????? EEEK! You must tell more!

Rachel H said...

Yes, a squirrel really was in the house! I saw it in my daughter's room and as I screamed and ran out, the squirrel then disappeared. No one could find it as we searched the house the rest of the day. We figured he got out the same way he got in. Two days later I came home to find him bounding through the house once again! (And yes, I screamed and ran out again.) My husband FINALLY caught him that third night and discovered he had been hiding in the old fireplace in my daughter's bedroom at night and gnawing on windows trying to escape throughout the day. Poor thing! I cannot believe she slept in that room with it! Scary!

Erin - we were told that Forsyth Emergency Room was not equipt to deal with my infant son when we took him in. They did all the preliminary stuff with him, but then had the ambulance take him to Brenner's because he had to be hospitalized over night. We just assumed since he was born at Forsyth, that is where we would go, but I guess not! (Although that was six years ago, so if anyone knows differenly, please correct me!)

Amber said...

Yes, always take your kids to Brenner's if they need an ER or are very sick. They have one of the top pediatric trauma ERs in the world and they have every form of pediatric specialist you hope your child never needs.

Most ERs are staffed by general doctors, not pediatric doctors. There is a HUGE difference. Children are not small adults. Their bodies actual function differently and they can go from fine to serious in seconds. Some hospitals (especially community ones) don't even have all the required specialty equipment in pediatric sizes.

We are blessed in the Triad to have Brenner's Children's. I would never take my kids anywhere else. They have treated my children for a severe drug reaction, appendicitis, croup, and cancer. We are blessed to have such an amazing resource!

Amy said...

I made the cliff-diving mistake, too! OOOWWWWW is all I can say.


Kathleen said...

Too funny Rachel! Most of these I had heard but they made me laugh out loud again. My contribution: I have learned that my 4 year old cannot squat to pee without peeing on her shoes OR mine! We had to make an emergency stop 3 days ago during a 6 hour car ride. We managed to get off at an exit where the 2 bathrooms we stopped at had NO public restrooms. My poor daughter was crying she had to go so bad. In frustration, I found a field by a hotel (closed, of course) and ran her out to cop a squat. I thought I had a plan to keep pee off her shoes---I stood behind her, yanked down her pants, and lifted her feet and legs up off the ground. She STILL managed to pee on MY shoes and her own! Thank goodness for antibacterial wipes :)

maythi said...

kathleen, best way to have your kids pee when nothing is available and to keep it from going on them or you is to pull over in a safe spot andopen the front passenger side door and the back passenger side door (kind of makes a little privacy area). then have your child prop their legs on the edge of the car while you hold them up from under their shoulders. just make sure they are low enough that it won't spray into the car!usually, they pee on the grass or it goes under the car. it's the way my parents did it when we were growing up. works great!
AND, i completely agree with amber. we had a scare with our oldest who had a very bad virus and brenner's was fabulous. everything on the ped. ER is made to fit little people. even the gowns!

Katie M said...

And yet another way to have your daughter (won't work with a boy) pee outside: Pull pants down to ankles, hold her in a cradle position (like you would a baby) but away from you and low to ground (you need to kneel too), and everything goes down and out and away from you both :)

Angela said...

Rachel, I'm laughing out loud! I've heard some of these before but there were some new ones-how do these things always seem to happen to you???? Good stuff!!

Mom of Boys said...

Classic Rachel. Love it. Here are some of mine: In a traffic jam, boys can pee right out the window. We did it stuck on I95 heading home from FL. If the garage doors are open, make sure the door to the house is closed. Five birds inside my house later, you would think I would have learned that by now. And ALWAYS make sure you have screens on open windows at night. I've had the rabies shots to prove that is no walk in the park.

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