Fix the Fighting … or at Least Keep it Fair

By By Guest Blogger Kelly G

I am the mom of two boys, ages 4 and almost 2, and the godmother of two more brothers who are 13 and 9. I face the same issue that all parents face— how to keep two young children from scrapping all the time. Here are a few ideas for keeping the gloves on and managing arguing in your house.

First, check on needs. Kids often fight when one or both are hungry,
tired, bored, or ill. Address those issues first. Offer snacks and
drinks, sit them down to rest with a quiet activity, put them down
for a nap, check temperatures, look for incoming teeth or any other
sources of irritation, or offer some snuggle time or a change of
scenery.

Sometimes, familiarity breeds contempt. If your kids can't seem to
stand the sight of each other, it may be time to pack one of them up
for an afternoon play date or a grandparent visit to give them a
break from each other. Similarly, lack of time alone with you is
often a source of fighting, because the kids are competing for
attention. When you find yourself alone with one of your children,
designate that few minutes as special "mommy-time" and make the most
of it. You can play, read, do a chore together, or even just snuggle,
but your child will benefit from even just a little undivided
attention from you, Dad or another adult.

When the fighting isn't happening, help build a rapport between
siblings by establishing some routines that help them get along. One
of my toddler's favorite things to do is wake up his brother in the
morning by crawling in bed with him. I let my sons get each other's
bowls for snacks, encourage them to sit on the steps together to put
on their shoes, and let my older son stop at the door to get his
younger brother when I pick them up at preschool. Even if they are
grouchy with each other, these little rituals help reestablish their
bond and help them remember that they really do like each other.

Fights often break out because a younger child wants to run with the
big kids, so find ways for them to play together despite their
different developmental levels. Your two-year-old may not be able to
stack big block towers, but he can learn to hand his big sister the
blocks, and then he can learn to knock down every other tower when
she says, "On your mark, get set, go!" Your six-year-old may not be
able to win a game of "Pig" on the basketball court with her older
brother, so suggest that he use the word "pig" and she use the word
"horse" instead, to make the game more fair by giving the little one
more chances. If you keep at it, both of them will eventually learn
the rules and be able to follow them without you.

If you are a parent of two siblings with similar interests, purchase
in pairs when it's reasonable. Taking turns is something kids have to
do all day long at preschool and elementary school, so if you can
purchase two red balls for your house, or two Big Wheels, or two
identical Barbies, do so. Having identical toys ensures that factors
like color don't become sources of conflict ("But Mom, I want the
PINK balloon!"), plus it encourages them to play together because
they "both have one."

Learning to work out differences with others is an important life
skill that starts at home, so when you hear the bickering start, wait
a few minutes before you intervene. Obviously, this isn't a good
strategy if the situation is rapidly escalating or if there is
physical fighting involved, but before you go charging into a room,
listen to see if the kids are capable of resolving the argument
themselves. More than once I have been at the doorway getting ready
to defend my toddler or soothe his frustrated older brother, only to
hear the little one say he's sorry, or the older one working out a
way to play with his brother by giving him a different train or a
role in the game.

Even when you expect them to work it out on their own, don't forget
that children need to be taught this skill. After a fight has broken
out and everyone has calmed down, offer options to use next time.
Suggest to a younger child that she ask to borrow a toy instead of
grabbing it. Give your older child a list of things he can say to
make his sibling understand he doesn't like something she is doing.
If you tell your kids what to say and do in certain situations, you
might be surprised by how quickly they take your advice. And when
they do, make sure you catch them being good and praise them for it.

If a fight does break out, try to avoid a discussion about who
started it if you can. Pointing fingers teaches kids to tattle on
each other and to learn the art of blaming. It's a better tactic to
get kids to own up to their own actions, rather than have them report
their siblings'. Don't worry about each child telling the truth—
siblings are sure to set each other straight if there is a
discrepancy in the stories. After you step in, you can also choose to
let children continue the argument but insist that they make fighting
funny. Make children stand back to back or dance as they argue, or
make them sing their argument to each other. Or, if you have children
who insist on dragging you through a he-said/she-did episode, tell
them they can only tattle on each other if they make rhymes as they
tell you. Having kids concentrate on something silly helps diffuse
the situation.

I admit that am not above raising my voice—who is?! But, I know that
if I yell at the kids all of the time, I will either make them fear
me or they will become desensitized to the yelling and ignore it, and
they will have no incentive to stop yelling at each other. What I am
finding is that if I save the volume for times when they really need
a good talking to, often, it works. Kids need to know when their
behavior is unacceptable, and mine are always watching for signs to
see how far they can push. I try to make sure that I set clear limits
(no hitting, no hurting each other, no throwing toys or food, etc.)
and that I enforce them by letting them know when they have crossed
the line, but without being cruel, blaming, or sarcastic.

Finally, remember that because of different ages and developmental
levels, there are some times when your kids will click, and other
times when they will loathe each other. When they click, congratulate
them on getting along and reward the behavior by letting them do some
special things together. When they loathe each other, call on
playdates, grandparents, and multitasking to keep them apart until
they (and you) can stand being together again.

What kind of Smarty advice can you share?

Posted by Triad Smarty Pants at 5:00 AM