Children and Divorce

By By Angela D. Tuttle MSW,LCSW, RPT-S, Brenner Children’s Hospital

As a child and adolescent therapist, I see a lot of children who struggle with the separation and divorce of their parents. I interact with the family from the perspective of the child and advocate for the child’s needs. I use a play therapy approach which allows children the opportunity to show me through their play the impact it is having on their day to day lives. Of course, every child reacts differently to this stressful event however there are several things which seem to be articulated over and over to me.

Kids say:
• Please don’t argue in front of me.
• Please don’t use me as the messenger.
• Please if you don’t have anything nice to say about my other parent don’t say anything thing at all.
• I still need to feel special because my whole world is different.
• I need both of you to be a part of my life.
• Don’t act jealous of the other parent and the time I spend with them because then I feel like I need to take sides.
• Let me know what is coming up next. Be patient with me as I am transitioning back to your house.
• I need to be able to share my true feelings.

Parents need to work together and remain focused on the needs of the child. It is important to make sure each parent is showing unconditional love and reassuring the child that he/she did nothing wrong to cause the break up. It is also helpful to have similar rules, schedules, and structure in both households. In an effort to reduce the confusion with young children you can have a calendar at each home in the same location (ex.on the refrigerator) Blue days are Dad days, Pink are Mom days.

Lastly, if you are a friend of a family in the mist of a divorce you can be of assistance by offering the following:
1) an empathic ear for the parents
2) a “break” (helping hand) being a single parent can be overwhelming
3) refrain from asking too many questions about the details/reasons for the divorce, this keeps you from getting to emotionally involved in the blaming game.
4) interject humor and carefree fun when ever possible and appropriate.

Brenner Children’s Hospital has 120 specialists in over 30 areas of pediatric medicine. For more information, visit www.brennerchildrens.org.

Posted by Triad Smarty Pants at 9:12 PM